loss of confidence

When I was a kid I was happy and outgoing and oh so hyper. I bet if it would have been a more common diagnosis back then, I would have been considered ADD/ADHD without a doubt. As I hit my teen years, I lost all that hype, or basically my self-confidence. I was tall and skinny and flat-chested and wore big ugly glasses (not that there were many styles to chose from anyway, but still). I rarely wore make-up or did my hair because when I did I was made fun of because I didn't know how to do it "right" nor did I have any sense of style. I fought everything about being a girl at that point and all I wanted to do was be accepted for who I was. That really never happened. To top it off, I had a huge breakout of Psoriasis which covered me pretty much from head to toe. So not only was I "ugly", but I was a freak. Sure I had a couple of girlfriends, but they, just like I, hung out with the guys. We were never popular because we weren't into sports or anything like that. We were in JROTC learning about the military ways; for us it was the Marine Corps. We thought we were "cool", and we were, but only within our own clique. We could shoot rifles and spin them around, even toss them up in the air with such precision that it was amazing! We could march by command and do Judo and run 5 miles with ease. We would proudly carry our Colors (Flags) out to the middle of the gym during each assembly. We would stand and let the cannon "boom" with each TD our football team scored, but even with all of that, we were never accepted. I do remember wanting to be a cheerleader, thinking maybe this would make me feel better about myself, but when I went to try out, I was laughed out before I was even given a chance to try. I remember feeling so badly about myself at that point. All the nerve I had put into just walking in that room, was quickly stomped out by these girls who thought they were so much better than I. And guess what? I believed it.

It wasn't until my mid-20's that I actually gained some self-confidence, and it was all because of a co-worker who quickly became my best friend, and one person who changed me and my life for the better. Her name is Roxanne, and even though we no longer speak, I will never forget her. She was 8 years older than I and what really struck me about her was her amazing confidence. She was tall and skinny just like me and also didn't have much on top. ;) She carried herself like a queen! I admired her from afar and hoped and prayed that one day we would have an opportunity to work together. One day we did and although I remember nothing about that time, I just know that we clicked and were inseparable. She was a party girl and I became one, just a bit on the tamer side. We had fun, and whenever we entered a room, the party began! I blossomed and really came to love the new me! I met Kenny, who is an amazing man, and is someone who I never would have approached if not for meeting Roxanne. I didn't have the best taste in men, always opting for the ones who didn't really help me or make me feel good about myself, but at least I had someone, right? I tell you, after knowing what I know now, I would rather be single than settle.

Kenny and I got married, I quit my job and decided to become a stay-at-home mother to all 6 of the kids. It was a very hard adjustment because I was used to working and being independent. It took about 5 years for me to really accept it and embrace it. I am blessed to have had the opportunity, and I appreciate the full value now. However, I did as many mothers do, I devoted myself 100% to my/our children and for a long time it was OK.

Now it's not. My kids are older and I have no adult conversation, other than with my dh, who works all day cannot relate to my life at home, so we struggle with intelligent conversation at times. I keep up on current events, he can't because of his work hours. I can't relate to the issues he deals with at work, because I am not there and don't know or really remember what it's truly like in the workplace. He doesn't think dishes or vacuuming or laundry tasks are all that exciting, but sometimes that's my entire day. I have regressed and I feel as if I am no smarter or wiser than my 8 year old. I feel inferior to others. I have it stuck in my head that my self-worth is based upon being a mother, not that that's a bad thing, but really, as a mother I am the last one I think of.

I can't say that it has bothered me all that much up until recently. I think that having spent pretty much the last month cooped up at home due to my foot/ankle injury, I have had plenty of time to think. In the past I have filled the gaps with scrapbooking and hanging out on online scrappy message boards. I have met many wonderful women who I consider friends, but I have never connected with them in real life. It hasn't been as easy for me to get downstairs and some days I don't even want to, but I need some type of connection with others and the internet is my source. So I crawl down the stairs to get my "fix". I know, how pathetic, but I do cherish the time I can hang out with my scrappy "friends". All I know anymore is children, so even this interaction that is just on a computer screen helps me feel valued. I don't know what it's like to interact and have adult conversations, other than the occassional "hi, how are you?" from a neighbor.

Somehow I have created this bubble for myself and it seemed to have worked for me, but now? I just don't know. I am not finding the joy in the things I would get so much from in the past. I love scrapbooking, it's such a passion for me and one thing that I feel so good about generally speaking, but I am doubting myself each time I pick up a piece of paper and a photo lately. Is it going to be good enough? Are people going to like it? What if they don't? I really know the answer deep down; who really cares. As long as I am happy with it, than that's all I need. I am not doing this for other people, however I feel as if I need to gain acceptance. I feel as if I have fallen back into my insecure teenage days and have really got to get myself out of this funk. I try to be happy and, and I have really worked to keep negativity outside. I have a beautiful life and I am happy and blessed and wouldn't want to change the foundation. Obviously I need to do some minor repairs, and am hoping that in time that I will discover what they truly are and how to fix them. I want and need myself back. :)

CMK Kit reveal and a few projects using one

Well, it's that time again... the CMK monthly kit reveal, and for October there are 2 kits this time; the regular kit and a special Halloween kit! They are awesome once again! I love the little extras that Rebecca adds to each kit to finish them off, and my favorites this month are the cute sheet of bird paper and the fun felt flowers. To see the kits go here. Aren't they fabulous?

Here are a few projects I have created with the October kit so far. I still have tons more to play with!

I haven't had a chance to dig into the fun Halloween kit, but I plan to this weekend. :)


As for my foot/ankle, I think it's finally starting to feel better. I have only had to take a pain pill in the late afternoons, and that is only on the days that I have had Katie here. I am still not bearing weight on it and have been doing a great job at resting it, even though it's tough. My arms are tired and very sore and I am losing motivation to actually use them. Sometimes I just crawl to avoid them. LOL!

Yesterday, I got a wonderful surprise! Our main "mail lady" Shelley, came by the house on her day off to deliver a sweet 'thinking of you' card and a mocha for me. The kind act brought tears to my eyes and it was the sweetest thing! I am blessed to have her in my life. She's the best!

Have a wonderful day!

A fun tag

A scrappy friend shared this fun tag on her blog and it's so fun!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car):
Zebo Expedition
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Vanilla Orange Sherbet Chocolate Chip
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name):
R-Bel
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):
Pink Kitty
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born):
Elizabeth Seattle
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first):
Bel Ra
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
The Red Water
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers):
Norman Roy Leonard Ray
9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names):
Laura Eugene
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
I can't recall her name. So I'll use my dd's 5th grade teacher from last year. Rachelle Rawlings
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower).
Winter Daisy
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”):
Strawberry Shirtie
13. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Banana Maple
14. YOUR ROCK STAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour” and the year):
The Scrapbooking Snow Tour 2007


Let me know if you did one! :) I'd love to read it!

I baked! And some Pink.Sugar.Pop. layouts

I am not much of a baker, but today I felt like baking. I made 10 loaves of zucchini bread; some regular and some chocolate chip. Our house smells wonderful!

I have been horrible about keeping up, but here are some layouts and Ashlyn's school supply box that she and I created together with Pink.Sugar.Pop. stamps.

I have been in a scrappy funk. I want to, but when I sit down, I just end up pushing paper around. I have some really cute pics ready, so I hope I can find my mojo soon. :)

another update

Well, the MRI didn't show any significant reason for what is happening with my ankle. It's still sore and some days are worse than others. The plan now is to continue to stay off of it for another 4-8 weeks without walking on it at all and then start some physical therapy sometime in the next 3-4 weeks. Then I will slowly wean myself from the cast over a several month period providing the PT goes well. I knew this was going to be a long process, but it gets harder each day to sit and do nothing. I am always reminded by sharp pains shooting up my lower leg when I have done too much though. ;) I am having to take my pain pills more often and I wish I didn't have to. I just hate taking things and I always try not to.

Skye gave us a scare on Friday. She passed out in Kara's arms while Kara was braiding her hair. She wet her pants and that really freaked us all out. I took her to the dr. and she checked out OK. The dr. just thinks the cause was because she has a pretty severe bladder infection and was probably dehydrated. The fact that she never has any symptoms of a UTI other than bed wetting is stressful enough and this time she didn't even wet her bed, so I had no reason to believe that anything was wrong. It's been several months since she's had one and I am really hoping this is not going to be another round of them. The good news is that she's feeling great and was herself again Saturday morning. SHe was pretty bummed about having to miss school, she really enjoys Middle School and was hoping for perfect attendance. Oh well, like I told her; her health comes first and foremost.

I miss scrapping. A lot. I have done a few layouts last week, but between watching Katie and just plain not feeling like making the trek downstairs, I have pretty much been passing my time working puzzles and doing crossword puzzle books. It's better than just hanging out in bed all afternoon. I am Katie-free this week except for Friday, so I plan to watch season 3 of GA and maybe I'll find some scrappy mojo since I'll be hanging out in my scrappy space anyway. ;) I ordered some albums so maybe I'll start putting my layouts into those, too. My stack just keeps growing and growing and it's almost impossible to look through anything. heehee

That's about it for now. Take care and have a wonderful Sunday! :)

MIA

Oh boy, it's been awhile since I have updated. I need to update, so here goes.
Lets see, in the past few weeks:
My ankle started hurting again on the Monday before labor day, and by that Friday I was at the emergency clinic and left in a walking cast up to my knee, some meds and using crutches. It was a fast and painful downfall and it's pretty serious and scary. It's more than likely my nerve, but the dr.'s are not quite sure yet. I was put on seizure meds to see if it would help calm the nerve, pain pills, and an anti-inflammatory. The seizure pills threw me for a loop and I had some awful side effects. I spent the first two days basically high as a kite and slept for most of the weekend. I started to feel a tiny bit better on Monday (I was able to sit up for a few minutes... LOL), and Tuesday I went back to the dr. and asked if I could cut them back, so I did and yesterday was truly the first day that I felt as if I had a clear head. I have spent the past 10 days resting my leg and it's not my thing to be dependent upon others to do just about everything for me. I am pretty stubborn and it has humbled me. I had an MRI yesterday, and I should know what the next step is in a day or two. At this point I am not sure which aches more, my ankle/leg or my arms from using crutches. I have some major crutch rash going on along my bra strap along my sides that is just flat out painful. There is pretty much nothing I can do for that one.

Everyone started school on Sept. 6th. Ashlyn cried the first 3 days and it just tore my heart in two, but today I don't think she even cried, unless she did so on the way to school, which I hope not. Nathan really likes school and is eager to get himself going and caught up as soon as he can. Skye is loving middle school and says that it's great that the day goes by so quickly. She is planning to join Cross Country, which I think she'll enjoy.

Ashlyn's 8th birthday (already *sniff sniff*) was on Sunday the 9th. She had a wonderful day and we really made her feel special. We started her day with some balloons and a tiara (she wanted a crown, but she settled for an inexpensive tiara... heehee). She got to open her presents which were primarily Littlest Pet Shop, her most favorite thing in the whole world. I think she's pretty close to having all of them now. Kenny and I took her to lunch at Quizno's (her choice) and we got to see a Med Star Helicopter, which she thought was super cool! We took her to the store to get ice cream and she walked out with a smaller version of what she really wanted; a BMW. The girl sure has expensive taste! LOL! Before she went to bed she told us that she had a awesome birthday and that she was glad the day went by slowly. That's all that I needed. :)

I think that about covers it. Aside from me being laid up and life still having to go on, I think it's been working pretty well. Kenny has to pick up most of the slack by taking me anywhere I need to go and picking Meghan up from work and taking Nathan to school, but hopefully it's just for a short time. I have been really good at resting and not using my foot, but only because I know that if I don't I could cause some long-term damage. The thought of not being able to function and be independent in the long term scares me enough to take it easy now.

I hope all is well with you! I'll update again soon with some layouts. :)